Hi my name is Derrick Hoard and I am Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
I also got married at 21 and was divorced by 28.
This is usually where people make their decision lol.
Yes, I have had a "failed" relationship but only because I went into it the way that most millennials do, afraid to be alone and willing to do whatever I needed to do to make the other person happy.
This experience, coupled with my knowledge and expertise as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, gives my therapy approach a more human and down to earth feel.
This isn't just about "love languages" it is about "you have to be more specific in what you want" and "you have have to stop apologizing for your behaviors with no change" and "you both have to stop blaming each other for the problems in your relationship".
"Well Derrick, if its that simple why couldn't you do it?"
Because sometimes that isn't enough and you need someone outside of your relationship to help you out.
My failure was NOT going to marriage counseling/ couples therapy because I thought I could handle it on my own.
You can, but only up to a certain point and online dating just makes the problems worse.
All of us know someone who has met via online dating. The number of available services to connect us are legion. While bumble, tinder, and hinge are the most prominent, there are many other sites that offer more specific niche's where you can go to find your idealized version of a person.
The problem is that it does not matter what site you use, if you go into a relationship using the same communications skills taught to us by our parents, you can expect to fail.
This use of dating apps to find a partner, but inability to communicate effectively about your relationship is what I lovingly refer to as "Ok Cupid Syndrome"
Imagine that you and your partner disagreed about which way the toilet paper roll should go, or whether you rinse the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher or not, anything that "shouldn't" matter but in the moment feels like it does.
My couples often refer to arguments like this as "something stupid". So imagine that you and your partner were arguing over "something stupid".
To me, it isn't "something stupid". Arguments over "the way things should be" such as with the toiler paper or arguments about "Who has the right to make a final decision?" such as which the dishwasher; are actually extremely important in maintaining a relationship with someone.
Unfortunately, unless you have a system in place to talk about your relationship, you will never overtly ask these questions of each other.
You will then have repetitive arguments, blowups, and wondering whether or not you've grown apart.
Anytime there is a situation where you and your partner argue about a problem that stays the same and yet it somehow seems to get worse, it is because the argument, in part, has something to do with your relationship.
There are several reasons, but the biggest one has to do with our fear of being alone and a concept called limerence. Limerence is that emotional feeling you get a first date that is often confused with "genuine connection".
Limerence is nothing more than a cocktail of oxytocin, adrenaline, and realization of a shared experience, but people sometimes build an entire relationship on it and then when the drugs wear off, you realize you have no idea how to communicate with the person you call your partner.
Dating apps exacerbate this because of how quickly the process happens. You can go from "picture" to "person" in a matter of seconds. This brings up the second reason this happens.
People believe that they get into relationships with others because they are "the best fit", when in actuality you are seeking to maintain and replicate patterns of interaction from your childhood that are comfortable.
The relationship problems you have with your partner will mirror the relationship problems you had in your family.
The problem is that most people believe they had a "happy childhood" and cannot fathom that the way in which they were raised would influence the relationship with their partner.
So instead of "comparing notes" in terms of earlier childhood experiences, they take turns blaming each other for the problems in their relationship.
The truth is that traditional therapy is based upon the same faulty assumptions that our parents used when raising us.
It is so concerned with rules and roles that it doesn't allow a relationship to develop naturally on its own. However, there are certain rules and expectations that are necessary for relationships to work!
In my initial consultation I will show you the structure of your relationship as well as ways in which it can change.
I use every day language. Yes, your feelings are important, but equally more important is making sure "What you are saying" is "What You Mean" and that "Your Partner Gets It!".
My hourly rate is $200 per hour. Financial scholarships are available for those who qualify! Please ask about them during your free initial consultation!
The most important aspect of therapy is the therapeutic fit. This is why I give a free 30-minute consultation! I want you to ask me questions and interview me for the position of working with you. If you are ready to take the next step text or call me at 318-732-7489 or click the below to be taken directly to my booking page!